Jokes, Quotes, etc.

 Reminds me of the story of the Scotsman who left Scotland for a new life in Canada, a week later he was back in Scotland and his pal asked why he was back so quickly, he replied “Well, I saw this big nasty lookin’ animal an’ asked whit it wiz an’ a fella telt me it wiz a moose, I wiz no’ hangin’ aroond fer the fekkin’ cat tae show up I tell ye”

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A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.

At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again, and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife:

"Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered,

"Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

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DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown dr*gs."

The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.

"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land. No questions asked or answer given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull...

With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.

The officer is clearly terrified.

The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs...

"Your badge... Show him your badge!"

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"Let he who HASN’T raw dogged a porn star just after the birth of his fifth child by his third wife cast the first stone."

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In 1967, Polish mercenary Rafal Ganowicz was asked what it felt like to take human life, he stated "I wouldn't know, I've only ever killed Communists".

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Incidently, that quote sounds a lot like the Soviet sniper, Lyudmila Pavlichenko, who said she never killed any men, only fascists.

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Steven Weinberg, “With or without religion, good people can behave well and bad people can do evil; but for good people to do evil - that takes religion.”

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Voltaire - “Formerly there were those who said: You believe things that are incomprehensible, inconsistent, impossible because we have commanded you to believe them; go then and do what is unjust because we command it. Such people show admirable reasoning. Truly, whoever can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities. If the God‐​given understanding of your mind does not resist a demand to believe what is impossible, then you will not resist a demand to do wrong to that God‐​given sense of justice in your heart. As soon as one faculty of your soul has been dominated, other faculties will follow as well. And from this derives all those crimes of religion which have overrun the world.”

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one useless man is a damn shame; two is a law firm; 3 or more is a Congress.

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“Since pacifists have more freedom of action in countries where traces of democracy survive, pacifism can act more effectively against democracy than for it.”

George Orwell

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A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed...

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."

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“I do not want to be frightened about hell-fire, pitchforks, and serpents, nor to be scared to death with hobgoblins and ghosts, nor anything of the kind that is got up to scare the ignorant; but I want truth, intelligence, and something that will bear investigation. I want to probe things to the bottom and to find out the truth if there is any way to find it out.”  John Taylor

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A conservative is a liberal who’s been mugged.

A liberal is a conservative who’s been arrested.

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